I knew this day was coming for a while.
It did not sneak up one me.
The one year anniversary of my mom’s death.
I thought I would be fine. I have been fine. I thought this day would be no different.
I opened fb this morning and read my sister’s post about her and suddenly I was not fine.
The tears began to pour and they would not stop.
I remembered.
I looked at her pics (not many).
I watched all the videos of her (again, not many).
I heard her voice.
I saw her smile.
I regretted so much, and realized what I should have done differently.
I reflected on how much she has missed in our lives and how much we’ve missed her.
I don’t think I gave myself time to grieve. This time last year. Actually, I know I didn’t give myself time to grieve. Because when your mom dies, and you have an 8 month old baby, you don’t have time to shower, much less to grieve. Life goes on. Babies demand that their needs be met. When you lie down to sleep, exhaustion overtakes you, and your mind rests. Until you wake the next morning, your schedule full, already feeling behind. There’s no time to grieve with a family to raise.
Is it a blessing? Maybe. Maybe not. I certainly don’t know.
But today, I let the tears fall.
And
fall,
and
fall,
and
fall.
My baby said, “Mama cry.”
“Yes, baby. Mama cry.”
And one day, my baby will cry for her mama too.
It seems almost cruel, doesn’t it? Harsh reality.
Life can be so lonely when the ones you know who have loved you the most are gone. There is no amount of love from siblings, spouses, or children that can equal the love from the ones who loved you the most. The loneliness that seeps in can sometimes be too much.
So I write, and in doing so I hope to heal a little.
Perhaps just a nook.
Maybe a cranny.
But part of my soul feels better now and I will forge on, living and loving until my time is no more.
Buoyed by memories and the love they carry, shall they carry me on.
